COD WAW - Letters from the front line

To my dearest Margaret,

First off I need to apologise for not putting pen to paper sooner. Let me assure you that there is nobody else, you always have been and always will be the only one for me. Damn I miss you Stacey! I've found that with enough lube, the flash hider on my rifle acts as a great way of relieving some of the sexual tension. Gives a whole new meaning to the term being "shot in the face"

Things have went a bit mental over here. There have been alot of personel changes, resulting in myself and Lt-General Fungus being handed more responsibility of late. Field-Marshall Smicks is still around, but I think the top brass are all over his ass at the moment and the poor guy is drowning in bloody paperwork and red tape. He still appears on the training ground every so often to put us through our paces, he is one mean mother fucker. I'm telling you Kerry, the man eats steel betty's for breakfast!

We are going through new recruits like Lt Star goes through rats at the moment. Rittings lasted a week, rumour has it he is planning a return soon. Don't think he took too kindly to Perky's Bayonest being stuck up his ass. He swears he thought the safety sheild was on at the time, but he has previous for this. I remember Sprus Craig needed 9 stiches in his rectum one time thanks to the Yorkshire ripper! Thankfully, Private Tailz is now a fully fledged member of the unit, and a damn fine addition at that. This guy is the real deal. So what if he has a nervous twitch that causes him to produce his knife and cut you down in the blink of an eye? I'm glad he's on our side Lesley.

We were treated to a masterclass from Corporal Hammer last week on our "Search and Destroy" training exercise. Normally I don't take too kindly to being bitch slapped in front of the troops, however as much as it pains me to say it I was more than impressed. 3 or 4 men against 1 guy, the odds were always stacked in our favour however, he staked out the small outbuilding like the pro he is. We didn't stand a chance. We were using an old German Hamlet for this training exercise. There seemed to be an old butchers shop, which reminded me of the time I took you from behind after hours in the old village cash and carry. Those were the days eh Victoria? Lt Star said he hadn't seen that much meat since his
inauguration into the cadets.

There is a downside to this new found responsibility though. I found myself having to condemn Private Sensi to solitory confidement last week for breach of platoon discipline. As good a soldier as he is, he left me with no choice. I mean what was I supposed to do Alice? The guy was clearly intoxicated during several of the drills, and I felt as though I needed to make an example of him, and I think it has worked. He will defo think twice about taking to the battlefield without bringing enough alcohol for myself and Lt-General Fungus next time.

I also find myself in a quandry with regards to Lt- General Fungus himself. Now I'm not the jealous type, you of all people know that Julie, but the word in the trenches is that I was overlooked for his position purely on the grounds that he has documentation indicating he has some kind of medical background. However, a recent training drill accident has led to some of the troops (myself included) questioning his medical credentials.

The incident in question happened as we were trekking across the German Countryside on foot. We stopped at a derelict Airfield to recharge our batteries and set up camp for the night. After a good night's sleep, a few of the lads indicated they wanted a bit more practice on capturing enemy headquarters, so we set up a practice session. It was all going well until Sergeant Rockman tripped over his flamethrower and landed on it,causing the weapon to go off and inadvertantly burning his head in the process. Maybe it was the shock of the situation, but Fungus seemed more intent on making sure the details of the accident were logged safely into his fancy "data processing analysis screen" thing he has, rather than tending to poor Rocky's burned skull. Thankfully, Corporal Fattie had the piece of mind to whip his todger out and give Rockman a life saving Golden Shower, defusing the flames in seconds.Reminds me of that party at your old folks place back in the summer of '39. Your parents really know how to throw a good swingers party Isobel! Thankfully Rocky is on the mend and is due to take his place back on the front line tomorrow night, however the lad has been left in a terrible mess. He now has no hair and looks like he is well into his forties, poor guy.

We are due to arrive at our next base camp later this week. Intelligence has reported that there is a local brothel nearby, which should please Lt Star. I would like to think I am fairly open minded, however some of the stories we are subjected to from this young soldier border on the ridiculous. Each to their own and all that, but I am more than keen to see if all his tales of rat pulling before he signed up are true, or if they appear to be just a figment of his imagination. This guy would have you believe he has a gal in every town this side of Munich. I did notice though, during a routine inventory check that the only picure star carries in his wallet is one of himself and 2 other young cadets. Very strange for a self confessed "ladies man". Thankfully, I still have all my good moral ethics in tact Brenda, be rest assured of that. It's at times like these I am so glad I am a one woman man.

Well I had better be off, Spurs Craig is about to take over my watch and no doubt he'll spend the usual 20 minutes droning on about how he cant wait to be back at home eating carry out food while his wife watches him play games. Sounds like a million miles from this lonely and barren landscape I find myself on at the moment. Maybe on my return I'll pluck up the courage to ask you to be my better half. You are the one reason I carry on Patricia, the thought of us being reunited keeps my sanity in tact.

Take care Francis, I'll write again as soon as I can. Say hi to your mother and sister for me.Oh and your best friend Dianne.

Salmon