PS3N Meet Up - Leeds 2010

It was a simple enough plan. 12.00pm outside Central Station in Glasgow, as agreed by all parties. They eventually, one by one started to arrive. Shammy was first to turn up, bottle of Buckfast in hand and Celtic hoodie on to boot. Deaf rolled up next, looking overdressed for the occasion in a shiny new black suit. Said he had just been for another job interview, no great shock to the system there. Eventually Craig appeared, fresh off the train from Edinburgh and looking as comfortable on this side of the Country as a tampon at an orgy. Mackers was in severe danger of missing the trip. The contact number she had given was going straight to answer phone (it was quite hard to make out the numbers on the public toilet wall in truth). Fortunately she turned up just in time, and with Manky strapped to the roof rack and Scott in the boot they set off, with Shammy's 1999 Happy Hardcore CD belting out the "choons"

Meanwhile, the "London Crew" was assembling themselves at their respective meeting places. Rocky had amalgamated some of the Cocks (sorry Cockneys) in Kings Cross Station for the short trip up North, while Tiktox volunteered to drive the rest up to Leeds in his classic 1950's DCH Cabriolet. Rumour had it that Fungus, Star, Spurs Craig, Hammer and Mr Frank all took advantage of Rocky's OAP card to get cheap train tickets. Who said the old boy wouldn't come in handy? The train from London was travelling at a fair speed, but not as quick as some of the London boys would have liked as Fungus was banging on about the 1974 Lyon side that had a dreadful start to the league season, only turning it around when they got in Jean-Claude Ribet, a new kit man.....blah de blah (No-one knows the ending as they had stopped listening, but you can ask Fungus if you wish!). Hammer was already wishing he'd went with Tiktox as he had drawn the short straw with Rockman and his war stories causing GBH to his other ear.

Tiktox was enjoying all the peace and quiet of a scenic road trip, his cunning plan of making Tommo, Tailz and Madforit listen to the audio version of his best selling "Poems for Bar Mitzva's" book working a treat as they all dozed off within half an hour of the journey. Either that or he slipped them all some Rufinol and took them via the dirtrack........
 

Thankfully, the PS3N Leeds massive had been working tirelessly making sure all the final arrangements were in place for the arrival of the masses. Sensi, Perks, Vic, Moots and Ash had left no stone unturned in their pursuit of quality accommodation, a great boozer for the afternoons activities and VIP passes to all the top pubs and clubs in Leeds City Centre. Or at least that’s what they told us. With hindsight shelling out £45 for the privilege of crashing on Sensi's mums couch might have been a bit hasty, but beggars can be choosers I suppose. As for the pub, nobody told us about the strict "you don't get in unless you have a greyhound and are wearing a flat cap" policy, but more of the pub later.

So everyone made it safely to the rendezvous point, including McGrady and Smicks who 3 days earlier had set off hitchhiking from Belfast. Dr Aces and Nick managed to land their duel paraglider safely, while Monty, Kell, Taylor and Statters all made their way to the tear up from their respective towns. Some in more unusual ways than others, Slatters arriving on Indian elephant was maybe showing off slightly.

The formal introductions were kept brief, with most of the guys only meeting for the first time. The shout outs that could be heard were perhaps not too surprising, these included:

“So who's profile pic is that you use Salmon?"
“Can someone move that old guy.....oh sorry Rocky"
“Nice Tommy Hilfiger tracksuit Star"
“Who invited Ron Weasley?"
"Sorry Smicks I can't understand a word you're saying"
“Are you on your 14th pint already McGrady?"
 

Rocky had brought his 2 PS3's with him, and Tommo very kindly brought his 24" TV so we could all enjoy some friendly gaming action. Ash had also brought a TV with him, recently purchased for £1 from the local Cash Generator. It was only £1 because the volume knob was stuck on full, but the thrifty Ash thought it was something he just couldn't turn down.
As luck would have it, we had a couple of electrical experts with us in Smicksy and Monty, who managed to hook up a satellite link to Sophia where the mighty Vraj was waiting to speak to us! Our favourite Bulgarian was in fine fettle, however the link broke down after a few minutes in a mountain of sparks. Fortunately Sophia only lived a few miles away so Vraj jumped on the number 66 bus and was with us in no time.

You'd have been forgiven if you thought that the first planned activity of the day was hide and seek, as you've never seen 7 Scottish people disappear so quickly when it was time for the first round. With so many people coming from different parts of the country, it was understandable that some things got lost in translation in the early stages. Fungus, sensibleness personified as per usual thought it would be best to put money in a kitty, which most people agreed was the right thing to do. McGrady just couldn't get his head round why we would put so much money in a cat, but by this time he was on his 29th pint so nobody took much notice. At £10 a head there was well over £250 in beer money, and there was a heated discussion regarding who would be in charge of the dosh. The Leeds posties were ruled out straight away - those f*ckers have a habit of losing everything. There was massage parlour/sauna nearby so that ruled out Star and Salmon. Other retail establishments that were within walking distance such as a fancy dress shop, Ann Summers and a Phil Stamp memorabilia bazaar ruled out Fungus, Spurs Craig and Aces respectively. The rest of the Scottish and Irish clan had never seen so much money before so they were out too. That left about 12 candidates, and after a quick vote it was decided that Mr Frank should be in charge of the kitty money, as he was used to carrying that kind of dough on his frequent trips to Soho.

The afternoon session went reasonably well. There were a few minor mishaps, like the greyhound s**ting on Hammers left shoe and Kell losing his arm wrestling contest to that 76 year old lady (he says he was just being nice, yeah right!), but other than that all went to plan. The PES competition was won by Nick, who managed to triumph despite drawing every single game 0-0 and going through courtesy of 9 penalty shoot out wins, something the English lads aren't used to. The FIFA trophy went to Scott after an all Scottish final against Craig1687, although the man love that followed was a bit over the top.

By this point the drinks were well and truly flowing. Star had bought Mackers 9 aftershocks, McGrady was on his 36th pint and Tailz was trying frantically to explain to Spurs Craig that the game "killer pool" wasn't to be taken literally, after which the big lad politley took his fist out of Statters' mouth.

After the killer pool the England crowd challenged the ROTW crew to a pool competition. After several games Manky had a shot to win his game & the series, but unfortunately he misjudged it and left the black hanging over the pocket, muttering something about preferring snooker (at least I pressume that's what he meant when he said he always goes for the easy pink as opposed to the tight brown!). With the English crowing over surely another victory (especially Tailz who it seemed hadn't lost a challenge since 1992!), Shammy decided that enough was enough and took matters into his own hands. As Moots bent over to finish the match half of his cue stick disappeared somewhere rather delicate and Moots unsurprisingly missed. This caused a massive argument about the legality of the interference and a stand-off occurred, broken only when Moots declared he had enjoyed the experience and a draw was declared. This itself held up the departure as the paramedics were called to Rocky's aid, seemingly unconscious on the floor as a result of the reality hitting him that he hadn't lost a challenge match. The Albino policeman who had been called to the scene was happy enough to let us go on our merry way, which everyone agreed was a fair cop.......
 

The Leeds lads decided that it was time to move on. Sensi suggested showing us some signs that he had erected in the local area of differing shapes and sizes. After the fight, we followed Perks and Vic to one of their favourite haunts, a lively Karaoke pub that would be "bursting at the seams" with girls. To be fair, they were true to their word. Unfortunately it wasn't just the pub that was bursting at the seams, the majority of birds waistlines followed suit. Alarmingly, this didn't seem to deter the PS3n clan, some of whom seemed to revel in the larger ladies environment. The first person to make a dent in this Rolly Polly convention was Manky, who wooed some old tart with his rendition of "I'm The Leader of the Gang" including full Gary Glitter silver suit and wig. He seemed to lose interest in her though after she told him she had no kids.

Other notable crooning success stories were :

Shammy - Sorted for E'z and Whizz
Salmon and Star - I'm too sexy
Statters - Bhangra Nights
Tiktox - Paperback Writer
Rocky - Oldest Swinger in Town
Mackers - Independant Woman
Moots - The Anfield Rap (Feat. The Ego doing the John Barnes rap)
Smicks and Scott - The Fields of Athenry
Craig1687 - Five Colours in my Hair
Monty - Monty Got a Raw Deal (Google REM if you dont believe me!)

With the kitty running low, Mr Frank rounded up the troops to move onto a nightclub. This proved to be harder than first thought, as Deaf had secured an interview as a barman, McGrady was lying on the bar with the beer tap on running into his mouth, Madforit had set up a small training circuit in the pool room and was handing out business cards to all the fatties, Nick and Aces were fighting over who was to sing "Fog on the Tyne", Star and Mackers were in the mens cubicle, Kell was attempting a solo guitar set on stage(with no guitar), Manky was playing tonsil tennis with another rolly polly, Spurs Craig was walking around in his pink pants with no top on showing off his tattoo's and Monty and Tommo were through the back playing naked twister with some Eastern European brick layers. Eventually everyone was accounted for, so onto the nightclub it was, despite Fungus' continual request to frequent the fancy dress shop.

Vicvipor, who was dressed like one of those annoying holiday P.R. dudes as usual ushered us into the VIP section of some club, where we rubbed shoulders with some of Leeds' finest. Vraj was last seen doing shots at the bar with Barry Cryer, and Fungus could be heard lambasting Peter O'Toole for his ham acting in Lawrence of Arabia. Shammy was giving a master class in "Big Fish Little Fish Cardboard Box" dancing to Jimmy Saville and Chris Moyles and of course the 2 dirty slime balls Salmon and Star were shmoozing with an unimpressed Mel B and Nell McAndrew. Tailz was trying to convince the barmaid that PS3N "p3nce" was legal tender and tried to buy everyone a round with it, but to no avail. She didn't seem overly bothered when he told her he had won 16 MW2 Grudge Matches in a row either. McGrady sank his 49th Pint.
 

As most of the group drank, danced and partied the night away, (Tik & Rocky were sat in the corner bemoaning the passing of the 70’s, 80’s & 90’s), it was well into the wee small hours beofre the real "Rat" hunt began. With Mackers having left earlier with the Filipino midget, Star turned his attention to a rather dashing young bird on the dance floor who seemed to be impressed with his range of moves. Boy did they move well together! He had her spinning around, this way and that, forwards and backwards. It really was an impressive performance, and Salmon looked on green with envy. The fun only stopped when her wheelchair got a puncture, but the lad had done enough to seal the deal. Salmon meanwhile had his eye on a real classy bit of older tottie. This broad obviously a bit of money behind her. Sure, she might have had some work done to her face and a little nip and tuck here and there but nobody could deny she cut a fine figure of a woman. Unfortunately, there was one last piece of plastic surgery that needed doing that she refrained from telling him. Sorry, I meant "he" refrained from telling him, which also explained why Salmon was walking like John Wayne the next day.

The real dancing only took off when Manky and Madforit decided to have a co-op dance off David Brent style and started strutting their stuff around the floor, clearing most of it in the process. Franks Birdie song dance was a very close second to Vrajd's Pulp Fiction aided by a very drunk Deaf (who somehow believed this was part of an interview). After that the big boys took over, and by that I don't mean Spurs Craig and his boy band vest.

Alas, all too soon it was time for bed, and as the weary group of friends made their way home, there was one last small cause for celebration as McGrady sipped his way into the record books with 58th pint.

Same again next year?